Meditation Retreat Journal Entry #3

April 3, 2009

How much time in meditation do I spend actually doing the practice? Not just having more and more subtle insights about the practice, or thinking about doing it, but actually doing it.


This morning for an instant in meditation, I seemed to glimpse the possibility of what it would mean to REALLY let everything be as it is. In that instant, tears flooded into my eyes and a bolt of energy ran through me.


I realized that in that deepest part of my being there was a rock bottom insistence that I would never touch reality directly. That I would never let everything be as it is.


I wonder when I decided that I must always experience reality indirectly through the ever-more complex images of the mind? Even today, when meditation was so  still that it felt like sitting at the bottom of the ocean, I still think that there was a veil of mind shielding me from the direct touch of reality.


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